Category: Daily Update

0741 hours

I think I’m figuring out why I need to abstain from my consumption of cannabis; I have an insatiable appetite for it. When I allow myself to consume it, I have a very difficult time controlling my intake of it. I can’t follow my own self-imposing limitations and that feels out of control. I want to be able to limit it to once a week but that’s impossible for me when I have some available to consume. One hundred percent of the time I have some on me, I will consume it twice daily. That’s the definition of losing control. It also replaces everything I look forward to in a day. These two reasons should be enough for me but I have more. I know at this point that the feeling doesn’t last and I’ll need to go back to it again to feel its effects. This impermanence is a sure sign of its shortcomings.

I already hear the rationalizing taking place.

“But Correy, you need to keep going back to God to partake in His glory.”

While that may be correct, I would rather become a slave to God than a slave to a feeling that can never be fully satiated.

Recently, I sat with God for a while and submitted this habit of mine for Him to deal with because I’ve recognized that I can’t do this on my own. Within the same hour of this request, I began making preparations to convert my existing stash to edible form. It seems God does not want me smoking it and I completely understand that. This body is the dwelling place of the Holy Spirit.

I went and bought more cannabis the next day to make a decent dose for each edible in addition to a lot of baking equipment. The idea that kept popping into my mind that day was, “You can share this with your family and finally put an end to the division.” If one thing is for certain it’s that I am most definitely not a weed dealer. I’ve tried so many times and I have to be the worlds worst. My efforts to sell it look like someone trying to catch water on fire with a flamethrower. Also, I feel a lot of conviction when I think about exposing my family to this substance. My dad already has substance issues, my mom would benefit from it but she bends the knee to fear and will not even allow herself the cognitive space to entertain the idea of consuming it and my sisters are pregnant so they will definitely not consume it. My brothers in law might but I’m not very close with them nor do I know their numbers to reach them.

I halfheartedly wanted to visit my parents to gift them some of it but I believe the Holy Spirit is preventing me from doing that. I can make the offer but I believe I know how that will go. A big “NO!” is what I’ll be met with more than likely.

I’ll be gifting what I have to people this weekend, assuming any will be left. The doses are made with an insane amount of butter and sugar so it’s still not good for the body. Instead of getting high, I could be working out and further developing myself.

It seems I may be having to part ways with the substance for good. It’s something I need to start accepting, I can’t go on with this forever. I’m unsure if I can even make exceptions for it because that’s where the cracks that turn into holes begin. If I make one exception, the goalpost is always shifted. I could say, “I’ll only do it when I’ve provided as a successful guide in the mountains.” Well that will manifest as a different problem. I’ll focus less on delivering the service to my client and more on what I’m getting out of it.

And that right there is the problem. It causes me to focus on what I can get out of any given experience instead of what I can bring to the table.

2044 hours

And this is what happens. No matter what time I get home, I’m left beginning the work I set out to do at this time of night. Shortly after writing this, I’ll have to get ready for bed. Granted, I made dinner, read some emails, but beyond that I haven’t done much else. Definitely got caught doom scrolling.

I need to update the front page. I think the first question, “Are you willing to expose yourself to life threatening situations?” – while completely valid and an important thing to consider – is not the best first impression. It might be best to let people experience it on their own instead of making them aware of it at the beginning. Although, I feel like withholding this key point is manipulative and I think it’s important for people to understand because without it, the experience itself could turn out to be a negative one because expectations weren’t set properly from the beginning. That’s my biggest concern. So while it is upsetting upon first glance, it’s something to know and consider when thinking about doing theses sorts of trips.

I just got up and ate my fourth edible for the night. I think it’s clear I have a problem and I need to address it. I do need to give praise that I was able to cut smoking out. It’s been over five days since I last inhaled any carcinogenic material.

Back to updating things.